Oooooff with her head! Or stomach at least!

Here I am, approaching the end of my second week. I really thought I would be feeling better by now. I'm ready to quit. Im ready to eat a (raw) cupcake and be done with it. If I get sick, I get sick. At least I got to eat something tasty! Don't get me wrong, I want to be healthy. But the longer I am on this the sicker I get. Yeah, maybe I'm gaining weight. Or maybe I'm not. I don't own a scale for a good reason. I'm anxious. I'm depressed. I'm constantly hungry, no matter what or how often I eat. This is no way to live. I know it's "only temporary" but how long is that? There's no guarantee I will even see differences! Maybe i'm just meant to live with this. I've become a major shut-in. Every morning I aspire to leave the house. Every afternoon I put my poor son to bed having not gone and done anything. I fear getting hungry. I'll feel relatively okay one minute, the next minute I'm overly hungry to the point of stomach growling and feeling sick. Why do I have to live like this? Why can't anything just work correctly for my body? Why am I even still alive if i'm not getting nutrients. Am I getting them now? Who even knows. I feel like I'm slowly withering away to nothing and some morning I'm just going to not wake up.
I know this isn't the most positive note, but it is what it is... It's me...barely surviving day to day on my "repairing" diet that seems to be breaking me more.

Eat me? Drink me?

Day to day foods are getting more and more boring at this point. I am trying at least several times a week to find a new and inventive dish that sounds tasty to try. Most are meat. Have I mentioned I'm not a big fan of eating meat? I'm not. I like it ok, but it's just not really something I want to eat 2-3 times a day. It's so heavy! I have been really really good about sticking to the exact diet. Though I did eat a tiny bite of beans on total accident last night. To the point that I spit it out (had licked my finger after sticking in my son's refried beans) and washed my mouth out! The cravings haven't stopped. I'm 1.5 weeks in. What do I have to show? Nothing feels better. In fact, I feel pretty crappy most of the time. I'm trying to get out of my head as much as I can. I guess the anxiety might be improving, but I don't really know if it is, or if im just so tired of feeling like crap that I don't stress out about it every time I do.
It's isolating.
I don't really like to leave the house. What am I going to eat? Where am I going to be able to use the bathroom if I feel sick enough? Will I get hungry? I pack a lunch. A snack. Sometimes way more food than I anticipating needing. Most the time I eat it. All of it. If this doesn't help me gain weight, eating 24/7, I don't know what will! I have found a few new things that I really like though! I found this delicious butternut squash recipe: http://www.ourbestbites.com/2013/01/savory-roasted-butternut-squash/ It's nice and savory, like a tasty treat of a snack, but it's also still VERY healthy! I've also found that I really don't mind sunbutter too much. I go through more than a jar per week! And I have found one very exciting thing: I CAN EAT APPLES! I can eat them raw, without stomach cramps! And they are quite tasty as they always have been! Before I couldn't eat more than a bite without getting a sour stomach. My stomach doesn't mind fruit as much! That's novel! I also eat a lot of veggies. I can handle a smoothie with KALE every day!
But when do I get to move on? The other day I was cleaning the kitchen and I started to think: If I could eat one new thing on the forbidden list what would it be? Eggs? Beans? Corn? Rice? I really couldn't decide! Rice would mean I could eat cereal! Corn would mean I could eat mexican food! and eggs.. well, eggs would make a whole new world of breakfast, lunch, and dinner possibilities. Not to mention almond bread. Which means sandwhiches!
So if you were in my shoes, which would you pick? There's always a chance your body will reject it... I guess only time will tell.. and so I continue my trip through wonderland. What will I find next?

Light at the end of the tunnel? Or just another tiny door at the end of the Hall?

Today is Friday. That means today is day 5! Yay. Hopefully only 9 more days to go with this strict of a diet. I'm remaining optimistic that I'm on the mend and will be ready to add things back in after that time period, though I know there's a real chance that this won't be the case. Stress certainly doesn't help this period of adjustment, but, it does give me something to focus on besides how I feel every second of the day, so that's quite nice! Our cat is sick. He's peeing blood. All over the house in fact. Really, he is just doing everything he can to avoid actually using a litter box. While i'm not sick in this way, I kind of know how this goes. Food is kind of like this. I know I have to eat, I know what I have to eat, but I'm avoiding at all times facing the fact that I still will have to eat these things when I don't want to. Again, thank God for fruit and Sweet potato chips!
Tonight I'm sitting here, sipping my RepairVite, and trying to think of the things I'm thankful for. It's officially November, so I feel like I should be getting into the season of Thanksgiving and being thankful for things. So here's the list i've come up with so far, and yes, many of them are food-based, becasue by this point, it's mostly what's on my mind:

• I'm Thankful for
• unsweetened coconut chia seed pudding with berries
• a cat who is healthy enough to not be in the Hospital, and a wife who stayed up half the night with him so I could stay home.
• Sweet potato chips
• A healthy, happy, creative, smart almost-2 year old
• the invention of the toaster oven
• my vitamix- yes, i'm extra thankful for this one!
• the fact that my stomach didn't feel quite as bad today as other day

I know I really need to be keeping these things in mind, especially the next few weeks, as my kitchen is being torn apart. I'm also very thankful that my mother is willing to let all of us stay with her while that is being done! What a pain in the butt living in old homes/apartments is! We have a mold issue, and i'm scared to death that once they finally come in to do some work on the wall and install new cabinets it's going to take longer than the 2-3 days they are hoping for. The people next to us having been living through a total kitchen (we're talking down to the foundation!) remodel because of a water leak, and it's been 2.5 weeks of no kitchen for them. I'm kind of freaking out. I absolutely CANNOT go 2.5 weeks without my kitchen! My landlord suggests I cook everything in a microwave and vitamix. I'm not sure he know how gross food cooked from scratch in a microwave is, or how bad it is for your health! I don't even own one...
Plus, thursday is Xander's 2nd birthday! I'm so excited. I need to get my act together and figure out the amazing raw cake i'm going to make him! I'm making a raw cake that's vegan and gluten, soy, and corn free so both my mom, sister, and sister in law can eat them! I, however, have to stick to no cake. WHAT A BUMMER. Yes, I'm very sad about this. Have I mentioned how much I love cake? I LOVE cake. Oh well, what you gonna do? I guess i'll just keep coming up with creative ways to sneak allowable foods into my diet and keep trying to trick my body into thinking it's enjoying this process.
Lunch and dinner weren't too bad today. I boiled some remaining zuccini noodles and smeard a ton of pesto on them and ate 1.5 chicken apple sausages for lunch. I felt happily full. Tonight I ate half an acorn squash with a "stuffing" of apples, cranberries, sunflower seeds, and ground turkey. Made me eat about 1/3 lb of meat, which is great!
Alright, I think it's time to wind down for the night with a new book and my glass of RepairVite (which I secretly don't mind the taste of, surprisingly!)