Alice's Tea Party

So it's been quite some time since I wrote last. Much has been going on in the meantime. I have been on a modified diet about 7 weeks now I'm finally starting to feel more like a human. I was allowed at 2 weeks to start trying to add foods in. I started with rice, which resulted in a full week of stomach aches, stress, anxiety, etc. Looking back I don't think it was necessarily the rice, I was just really freaking out about the diet. Then I tried oats. I got anxiety symptoms immediately upon one bite of that. A few days later I tried almonds. Almonds seem to be relatively ok as long as I don't go overboard. Same with Flax. Then i tried eggs. My chin and cheeks and chest get itchy, but I never get a rash. I've tried them several times and anytime I have more than a couple bites, I get these symptoms and just generally feel itchy all day. I usually take a claritin. Last night I took the plunge and tried tomato. I don't have the best track record with tomatoes, but it seemed to go pretty ok! My guts have been a little grumbly for a couple weeks now, but I've also started something new- LEXAPRO! Why, you ask? Well, I landed myself in an ambulance on the way to the ER a couple days before Thanksgiving! I was feeling very lightheaded, dizzy, shaky, my heart was racing, I was super hot despite it being cold outside. Yup- it turns out I am just crazy! Nothing wrong with the EKG and nothing wrong with vitals, so home I went. Gave me a chance to have a nice long Holiday "vacation" but really was very stressful. The good news? Now that I'm on the antidepressant and meditating every single day and really working really really hard to manage my anxiety before it gets to that level I'm feeling a little better. I've still got clear digestive issues, lots of gas and bloating and cramps. Unfortunately, I am also not gaining weight, in fact I may have LOST a couple pounds. So I don't know what else to do. I have an appointment with a nutritionist, so hopefully that will give me more answers! Until then, I continue my adventure of trying new things!

Oooooff with her head! Or stomach at least!

Here I am, approaching the end of my second week. I really thought I would be feeling better by now. I'm ready to quit. Im ready to eat a (raw) cupcake and be done with it. If I get sick, I get sick. At least I got to eat something tasty! Don't get me wrong, I want to be healthy. But the longer I am on this the sicker I get. Yeah, maybe I'm gaining weight. Or maybe I'm not. I don't own a scale for a good reason. I'm anxious. I'm depressed. I'm constantly hungry, no matter what or how often I eat. This is no way to live. I know it's "only temporary" but how long is that? There's no guarantee I will even see differences! Maybe i'm just meant to live with this. I've become a major shut-in. Every morning I aspire to leave the house. Every afternoon I put my poor son to bed having not gone and done anything. I fear getting hungry. I'll feel relatively okay one minute, the next minute I'm overly hungry to the point of stomach growling and feeling sick. Why do I have to live like this? Why can't anything just work correctly for my body? Why am I even still alive if i'm not getting nutrients. Am I getting them now? Who even knows. I feel like I'm slowly withering away to nothing and some morning I'm just going to not wake up.
I know this isn't the most positive note, but it is what it is... It's me...barely surviving day to day on my "repairing" diet that seems to be breaking me more.

Eat me? Drink me?

Day to day foods are getting more and more boring at this point. I am trying at least several times a week to find a new and inventive dish that sounds tasty to try. Most are meat. Have I mentioned I'm not a big fan of eating meat? I'm not. I like it ok, but it's just not really something I want to eat 2-3 times a day. It's so heavy! I have been really really good about sticking to the exact diet. Though I did eat a tiny bite of beans on total accident last night. To the point that I spit it out (had licked my finger after sticking in my son's refried beans) and washed my mouth out! The cravings haven't stopped. I'm 1.5 weeks in. What do I have to show? Nothing feels better. In fact, I feel pretty crappy most of the time. I'm trying to get out of my head as much as I can. I guess the anxiety might be improving, but I don't really know if it is, or if im just so tired of feeling like crap that I don't stress out about it every time I do.
It's isolating.
I don't really like to leave the house. What am I going to eat? Where am I going to be able to use the bathroom if I feel sick enough? Will I get hungry? I pack a lunch. A snack. Sometimes way more food than I anticipating needing. Most the time I eat it. All of it. If this doesn't help me gain weight, eating 24/7, I don't know what will! I have found a few new things that I really like though! I found this delicious butternut squash recipe: http://www.ourbestbites.com/2013/01/savory-roasted-butternut-squash/ It's nice and savory, like a tasty treat of a snack, but it's also still VERY healthy! I've also found that I really don't mind sunbutter too much. I go through more than a jar per week! And I have found one very exciting thing: I CAN EAT APPLES! I can eat them raw, without stomach cramps! And they are quite tasty as they always have been! Before I couldn't eat more than a bite without getting a sour stomach. My stomach doesn't mind fruit as much! That's novel! I also eat a lot of veggies. I can handle a smoothie with KALE every day!
But when do I get to move on? The other day I was cleaning the kitchen and I started to think: If I could eat one new thing on the forbidden list what would it be? Eggs? Beans? Corn? Rice? I really couldn't decide! Rice would mean I could eat cereal! Corn would mean I could eat mexican food! and eggs.. well, eggs would make a whole new world of breakfast, lunch, and dinner possibilities. Not to mention almond bread. Which means sandwhiches!
So if you were in my shoes, which would you pick? There's always a chance your body will reject it... I guess only time will tell.. and so I continue my trip through wonderland. What will I find next?

Light at the end of the tunnel? Or just another tiny door at the end of the Hall?

Today is Friday. That means today is day 5! Yay. Hopefully only 9 more days to go with this strict of a diet. I'm remaining optimistic that I'm on the mend and will be ready to add things back in after that time period, though I know there's a real chance that this won't be the case. Stress certainly doesn't help this period of adjustment, but, it does give me something to focus on besides how I feel every second of the day, so that's quite nice! Our cat is sick. He's peeing blood. All over the house in fact. Really, he is just doing everything he can to avoid actually using a litter box. While i'm not sick in this way, I kind of know how this goes. Food is kind of like this. I know I have to eat, I know what I have to eat, but I'm avoiding at all times facing the fact that I still will have to eat these things when I don't want to. Again, thank God for fruit and Sweet potato chips!
Tonight I'm sitting here, sipping my RepairVite, and trying to think of the things I'm thankful for. It's officially November, so I feel like I should be getting into the season of Thanksgiving and being thankful for things. So here's the list i've come up with so far, and yes, many of them are food-based, becasue by this point, it's mostly what's on my mind:

• I'm Thankful for
• unsweetened coconut chia seed pudding with berries
• a cat who is healthy enough to not be in the Hospital, and a wife who stayed up half the night with him so I could stay home.
• Sweet potato chips
• A healthy, happy, creative, smart almost-2 year old
• the invention of the toaster oven
• my vitamix- yes, i'm extra thankful for this one!
• the fact that my stomach didn't feel quite as bad today as other day

I know I really need to be keeping these things in mind, especially the next few weeks, as my kitchen is being torn apart. I'm also very thankful that my mother is willing to let all of us stay with her while that is being done! What a pain in the butt living in old homes/apartments is! We have a mold issue, and i'm scared to death that once they finally come in to do some work on the wall and install new cabinets it's going to take longer than the 2-3 days they are hoping for. The people next to us having been living through a total kitchen (we're talking down to the foundation!) remodel because of a water leak, and it's been 2.5 weeks of no kitchen for them. I'm kind of freaking out. I absolutely CANNOT go 2.5 weeks without my kitchen! My landlord suggests I cook everything in a microwave and vitamix. I'm not sure he know how gross food cooked from scratch in a microwave is, or how bad it is for your health! I don't even own one...
Plus, thursday is Xander's 2nd birthday! I'm so excited. I need to get my act together and figure out the amazing raw cake i'm going to make him! I'm making a raw cake that's vegan and gluten, soy, and corn free so both my mom, sister, and sister in law can eat them! I, however, have to stick to no cake. WHAT A BUMMER. Yes, I'm very sad about this. Have I mentioned how much I love cake? I LOVE cake. Oh well, what you gonna do? I guess i'll just keep coming up with creative ways to sneak allowable foods into my diet and keep trying to trick my body into thinking it's enjoying this process.
Lunch and dinner weren't too bad today. I boiled some remaining zuccini noodles and smeard a ton of pesto on them and ate 1.5 chicken apple sausages for lunch. I felt happily full. Tonight I ate half an acorn squash with a "stuffing" of apples, cranberries, sunflower seeds, and ground turkey. Made me eat about 1/3 lb of meat, which is great!
Alright, I think it's time to wind down for the night with a new book and my glass of RepairVite (which I secretly don't mind the taste of, surprisingly!)

It seriously Hasn't even been a week yet? Or, the longest week ever!

Here I am, day 4 of the RepairVite diet. I can't say it's going very well. I am sincerely hoping that all the crap still going on, and the constant new things popping up are the way my body is saying "HEY YOU! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! I KNOW YOU FEEL LIKE TOTAL CRAP, BUT I SWEAR WE ARE KILLING BAD THINGS DOWN HERE?" Yeah, that's what it BETTER be doing down there at any rate!
Today is Halloween. One of my favorite holidays of the year. I have been trying very very hard to remain positive about today. I took my little kiddo to the zoo this morning for "healthy" trick or treating, which resulted in me being so sad I can't eat the gluten free, delicious looking treats he got in his bucket, and then after a nice lunch of homemade chicken and veggie soup (you got it- bone broth included!) he took a nap. I also found these amazing chips that are totally in line with my diet! YAY! So I get a little bit of sinful feeling food at least.

I piddled around the house trying not to focus on feeling sick or on hating my life too much. After his nap I played with him and made some fun Halloween-based crafts, which took my mind off things and is something I really enjoy doing! I even treated myself to a special dinner! I made raw zuccini pasta (spiralizers are AMAZING!) and a homemade allergy-friendly pesto, which actually turned out awesome!

Then came the trick-or-treating. He did great. I wanted to snatch every single piece of delicious hazordous candy from the bucket and gobble it down like an obese woman! I smiled and helped him use his manners as we walked door to door instead. 

Now I'm sitting here, knowing I should be doing something productive, like working or at least watching a movie and not just listening to my annoying loud neighbors throw a party upstairs or whatever they are doing! 

But what am I doing instead? Thinking about food. All the lovely candy in the familiar round, orange, smiling bucket in front of the television. I don't think at this point I could even narrow it down to one candy I prefer over the rest! I love Reeses, Twix, Snickers, Kit kat is one of my favorites. I LOVE red licorice. And the fruity candies are fun. Skittles... mmmm... just thinking about these put me in a sugar coma. Tomorrow morning the Switch Witch will come and bring me something I can eat.. an apple maybe? or Perhaps a pile of berries? A girl can dream about candy though. 

I know this journey isn't going to be easy, but I feel like I picked the worst time of year to do it. My body feels no better, probably even worse (I'll spare you the details), but I just have to keep thinking to myself, like My little one's favorite story "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

A Family history of indigestion

My family has complicated issues with our guts. It stinks. Sometimes literally. My dad had his gallbladder removed 2 years ago, and it really freaked me out. Then my mom and sister found out they were Gluten intolerant, and started down a path of elimination to find out what else they couldn't tolerate. It was too many things to list. Each person different than the other. Except Gluten and Dairy. I've always had issues with sugar and dairy, but figured, well, I can live with it. After having my adorable little kiddo, my body got a little deprived of nutrients. No big deal, right? Take a vitamin and get over it! Well, unfortunately, I've gotten worse and worse. Weight-loss, digestive issues, constant stomach aches and headaches were just the tip of the iceberg! Lucky for me I have VERY supportive people in my life! My adoring wife urged me to get help. I'm scared. I'm REALLY REALLY scared. Eventually I gave in and got the dreaded GLUTEN INTOLERANCE test. It came out SKY HIGH! Noting else was out of normal range, but that really means nothing. I eliminated gluten. Let me tell you, I LOVE GLUTEN! I love bread. I love sandwhiches. I love Pizza. I love Cakes. I love Pies. I REALLY LOVE CUPCAKES. I love CEREAL the most of all. I can't have it. Any of it. Ok, I can do this, right? Find a substitute. There's some great gluten alternatives out there, right? SURE are, but my stomach hates those too.. So now what?
-INSERT NATUROPATH APPOINTMENT-
Fear is rising, not to mention the ongoing anxiety, anger, and depression I've experienced in a heightened manner since giving birth. He suggests going on the RepairVite® diet. But what does that REALLY mean? It means I take a yucky powder twice a day. Along with some other suppliments, and cut out all dairy, grain beans, legumes, sugars, yeast, alchohol, caffeine, high-glycemic fruits, nightshades, nuts, and any processed foods.
WHAT??!!
Yes, I can eat meat (though I don't really want to), berries, apples, pears, a couple other fruits, most vegetables, kombucha, fermented foods, coconut, and some seeds. Cooking seemed impossible. Before going on this diet, I spent LITERALLY 10 hours trying to meal plan with little success. I decided October 28th was D-DAY.
-And so I started-
It kinda sucked. Okay, I won't lie, it REALLY sucked. I had been dairy free for many months. I had been gluten free for 2.5 weeks. But now I am everything free. But I feel so constrained.
I want sugar.
I want bread.
Mostly I want to eat anything in the cereal category. I don't really care what it's made out of at this point.
Instead, I made a crock-pot shredded beef and made a "taco" salad with lots of avocado. I started the morning with an unsweetened chia-seed coconut pudding with fresh berries. It was good, but not amazing. Lunch was small, and I ate several snacks of sunbutter and apples.
Tomorrow will be better, right?

Tomorrow is better it turns out! Eating was a little easier, since I had prepared and planned ahead, and I know I have to eat the second I get hungry, no matter what. So I bring food like I'm going on a picnic at all times. It works out ok.
Dinner was surprisingly DELICIOUS! Homemade Chicken and Veggie soup. I even added chicken bone broth. YAY! I did something right. I'm optimistic that tomorrow will be even better. Or maybe it will suck. One day at a time. BREATHE... JUST BREATHE!